Do you let your girlfriend do all the paying each time you go out? Are you one who dresses to impress? Does going out with only one woman at a time strike you as a terrible waste of your talents and good looks? Do you mooch off girlfriends, friends, co-workers, and strangers alike? If so, you are everyone’s definition of a scum. Change this impression by reinventing yourself from despicable lowlife to dashing freeloader. Remember, one man’s trash is another’s jewel. If this century, they call men like you white trash, six centuries ago they gave you a glossier name – rake.
Rake originated from the old English term ‘rakehell’ and was coined because of the belief that one could only find such a horrible person after combing through hell with a rake. In time, however, a rake came to be known as a high-born sophisticate who drinks lavishly. Gentlemen wanted to become known as rakes because it gives them a slightly dangerous air, a bit of a reputation that makes all the ladies curious and even sends some swooning.
The typical English rake, however, has many advantages that you lack. He has a noble title, you don’t. He has an Oxford education, you barely finished high school. He has a small fortune, you used to live with your mom; now you live with your girlfriend. Clearly, you do not have the privileges the regular English rake is born with. What’s a rogue like you to do? If you don’t have it, fake it. Fake a look that says you are to the manor born and bred. Rakes are fine dressers. What better way to look like the stylish gentleman than to sport engravable cufflinks? A cigarette case engraved with initials and a monogrammed lighter make good accessories, too. They will mark you as a man who can afford to have his things personalized according to his liking. Finish this stylish get-up with engravable flasks – just be sure to choose the most expensive-looking hip flask from all those engravable flasks you got as personalized groomsmen gifts.
Now that you look the part, are you good to go? Not just yet. There is one other thing you need to do – develop an accent. If you can’t pull off an English accent, then settle for one that sounds exotic. This will up your presumed IQ a bit because everyone will assume you are born elsewhere, are well-traveled, and speak English because it’s one of the six other languages your aristocratic father insisted you learn. Now you are ready. Go, leave your poor girlfriend’s paycheck alone, and live off the rich instead. Yes, you are a rotter. Yes, you are a scumbag. Go and rake on!